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Monday, March 30, 2009

3/30/09


The semester is moving.
College. Working on my presentation has ceased, for tomorrow.
I am without worry or stress.
I must be prepared.  I have just arrived to the last track of a new album I downloaded about 50 minutes ago.  Vetiver and i must say, very diggable.  I thoroughly enjoy picking a random download and come to discover that I thoroughly enjoy the music.  The album I downloaded is their newest "Tight Knit." Recommendable.

I Have been reading often.
The other day I was reflecting on the semester.
I have read more books in the past 3 months than in the last year.
I believe this to be a good.

Take notice to the picture of books for recommendations.
Transborder lives is currently the most influential book in the library.

Something from the past couple weeks...

Lately, I have been leeched to an idea. The idea of confrontation. Through confrontation I also was planning to to share with these certain people in my spiritual life and what God is doing in my life. God has been showing me characteristics of myself and of the Spiritual life, of the Mystery, in a more present way since last Easter en Argentina.  The Easter reference is strictly for reference of time, not a celestial enlightenment.

This current idea, this preoccupation, with "obeying God" is consuming me.  It has also lead me to a self-discouragement and much doubt in my faith and the spiritual life.  In this process of seeking for wisdom, guidance, and tools/opportunities to see this idea of confrontation and obedience into practice, I feel as if I am being blown in the wind, like a leaf, or a brown bag.
My ego driven determination coupled with a HAVE TO DO mentality, has culminated in a wearisome attempt to objectify my Spirituality with the hopes of progress in my relationships with other people. As I grew feebler, I read the following text from the Gospel of John with a brief commentary on the same.

". . .the friend of the bridegroom . . ." (John 3:29)

"To maintain this friendship and faithfulness to the Bridegroom (Jesus, God as Man), we have to be more careful to have the moral and vital relationship to him above everything else, including obedience.  Sometimes there is nothing to obey and our only task is to maintain a vital connection with God . . ."

This tool reveals to me that my focus is not God, nor my own spirituality. Although I feel the idea of confrontation is the correct direction for my spiritual journey, and that I am doing the right thing; I am actually fighting to control the uncontrollable. The desire to be God, allowing God to die in my life. I stymy all that is spirit. The idea and preoccupation with confrontation is a tangible way to be the hands in order to take control of situations. This is another attempt to portray my ego and image ultimately disguising faith, spirituality and God. This misunderstanding of obedience to God and Spiritual discipline is frightening. It is no different from ego driven popularity stunts that I have pulled quite often during my University years thus far.

Now I can solemnly begin to un-leech myself from this idea and preoccupation of confrontation. I can recognize my ego, see that it is a necessary part of my spiritual journey. I must remember, however, that I must be constantly challenging myself. I must remember that most, if not all, of my spiritual tendencies stem from hard driven traditions founded on standards of control, persuasion, and group think. These limits and boundaries are all necessary in the formation of an individual and a spiritual life as well. Limits, litmus tests, and boundaries to initiate the start of !!!unlearning¡¡¡

Now it is time to Sleep.
I am waking up at 6am for some mate and breakfast.  A good prep for my final presentation on Latinidad.