So this blog stems from frustration. Its about a place where shit literally goes down. This is bout confrontation. The entry is a delayed response, the pending statement. It is about conflict that opens up floodgates.
Everywhere I go conflicts arrise. Conflicts at my volunteer sites, at the church, in my apartment, with my group, with my city directors, with my mind, with my family via Internet, the stray dogs running around our neighborhood, with the propaganda, with the advertisements I see, with the people I hear on the train, with my health, culture, my inability to complete simple tasks because of the conflict of laziness, the loud buses driving by our building through all hours of the night, living in a church, not having running water, having no gas, people buying ridiculous food at the supermarket, and the conflicts keep coming. The amount and frequency of the conflicts are overwhelming.
I take God to task and ask why this is so? Reveal meaning to the conflicts please. Lessons learned are not sufficient enough. Who am I to be subjugated by living this way? Are all human beings infested and bombarded constantly by all of these conflicts? All of these problems would just go away if I were not surrounded by people. All these frustrations are the result of somebody not doing something right or because of my unfair circumstances. I am a martyr and undeservedly living with all these injustices, with all of these *conflicts*. Why don't I just move to my own apartment and do things my way so life will be easier and structured perfectly for me!
Before I get wrapped up in another Paul Holzman self-pity party.
How did I get to this point? Maybe it has something to do with:
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don`t they come from desires that battle within you? You want something but do not get it." -- James 4:1
Here is a list of things I hope to begin to learn how to do in the next year so I can keep on learning them until my journey here on earth is done, whether it be tomorrow or when I'm old and wrinkled.
- Love God and Love People.
- Learn more about my identity.
- To Serve.
- To live simply.
- Be involved in the neighborhood/community.
- Meet neighbors and build friendships.
- Build relationships with people I would usually just walk by.
- Serve in the community whether the work is something I enjoy or not.
- STEPPING OUTSIDE MYSELF.
- To Get rid of my insecurities.
- To see myself through God's eyes so I can see everyone else through His eyes as well.
It seems pretty simple. But isn't it too hard to do these things alone?
The mind is way to powerful. My mind can easily run with these ideas of self-entitlements and turn them into concrete negative ideas of myself, another person, an organization, my friends, a job, my family, or my faith in God. I would not have recognized these internal battles against my fleshly desires without the confrontation, uncomfortable conversations, awkward discussions and confessions with my team here in Buenos Aires. Community is necessary for us to live and cope with the reality of giving up comfort to live for others in this world.