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Thursday, December 30, 2010

I look without seeing 12/30/2010

The end of 2010. I am a quarter of a century old and my body,
is still trying.
It tries to figure out where it is.
Last New Years was Arabian nights in the twilight zone. The Doha, Qatar.

Trying to understand why I was about to go through 7 more months of being a Physical Education Teacher. Looking back I miss many beauties.
Looking back I cringe with disgust.

Some traveling to Australia, to Argentina, back through the US and then back to Argentina for 3 months I now find myself preparing for a return to Buenos Aires for at least another 7 months and am feeling again. Feeling does not end. 

"What are you doing? What are you feeling?"
          asked the Over-Soul.

"I don't know."
          responded my false-self.

I am doubtful. 
I do not doubt moments captured digitally. They are full of soul, experience, beauty, challenge, and connection.

In Argentina. In Tilcara planted in the Quebrada. Patience in waiting.
Waiting for our bus. Barefoot never felt so nice. St. Francis biography by G.K. Chesterton. 

.salt flats. Trapped in the blue, grounded in the savory earth.

4,170meters feels different than sea level. Feeling is fleeting though. 

Australian dreamin' with Kate Marie.

Its beneficial to 

The incarnation of my spirit animal.



My mountain in the desert. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Modern Reveries 12/08/2010

A little over a month ago I was returning to the church, where I also lived at the time, listening to my iPod on random. My personality is too indecisive with simple things like this so I put it into the hands of my iPod. If only I had a robot companion for other decisive moments where my indecisiveness ran irate. On that particular bus ride I was cataloging thoughts that deal with faith, purpose, struggle, desires, goals, spiritual poverty, moral sickness, love, privilege, and identity. The metaphysical reveries are always accompanied by more materialistic reveries as well. This all due to my years of public transport travel here in the Southern Cone.

The boarding and exiting of passengers, the turning, the stopping, the going, and the travel through the transforming barrios of the porteño urban maze can provide the perfect platform for aforementioned reveries. In the middle of this particular ride the lyrics of one of the randomly selected songs reminded me that everything belongs, is inherently good and that its fine to struggle. Why is a great question for God? God understands anger. His motives are cosmic and distant sometimes. These are current themes of the last 2 months in Buenos Aires and my mind.

It took me some time to realize struggling with thoughts like these do not make me a passive person, anarchist, an ascetic estadounidense, spoiled and fake, yanqui, christian, or damned to hell. Perseverance through the thoughts and darkness is of God. Consistently I tell myself, "Don't let the negativity consume you, confront it and question it. It will eat you alive and deem you stagnate in life, pessimistic in thought, drive you to live without passion." I found myself in a pathetic state trying to grasp on to anything to validate my actions, motives, and purpose in life so the world would give me a big ass pat on the back. That pat never came. The pat never comes. It is an illusion.

Dear God,

Thank you that you have brought equilibrium to every anomaly in my life, this world, and my mind. Even in the times I doubt and things don't seem just, you assure me with your words and promises and bring me your peace that transcends all understanding.

Thank you for this song and the humans who created it in all faith that the notes, lyrics, and rhythms are divine and communicative of the goodness, the light and the beauty that is in the darkness even when our illusions tell us otherwise.