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Monday, October 10, 2011

split between unconcern & a sense of purpose

I am split between unconcern and sense of purpose. I thought it had to do with personal peace of mind. Personal peace of mind used to be something I struggled hard to keep and maintain. When i lost it, I struggled hard to find it. Sometimes I still entertain the thought and desire it. Scratch that. Many times throughout my days I engross myself in the thought of obtaining it again, of basing my life on my human conception of peace. I have a list of things that I consider my "magic bullet" that will kill my insatiable desire for something más allá that will bring me this peace. The magic bullet is made up of things. Things like ideal jobs, living situations, loves, travels, knowledge, journeys, accomplishments, etc. I either need a bigger magic bullet to kill the desire instead of maiming, or I need to take better aim.

Life gets complicated when trying to construct plans to find my human understanding of peace once again. My composed plans complicate relationships, day to day functionality, or even simple tasks like getting out of bed. Are these my own idiosyncracies? Must I embrace them and just learn to live with them? If so, I am learning slowly and meticulously. I've had glimpses of it working and I've found it hiding in some peculiar places.

The grandiose peace of God. It supersedes my understanding of peace and is hard to swallow sometimes. I don't know exactly where I need to go from there, but that is ok. I will simplify that and be grateful that my direction is rooted in my Father in heaven. But when you worship a God that is everywhere and in everything, direction takes on a new embodiment. This conflict is mostly, if not completely, internal for me. People say i'm laid back. For me the internal conflict between unconcern and a sense of purpose is ardent which makes me feel otherwise.

"If personal peace of mind is the highest good we can imagine, life with other people becomes difficult, especially when we are divided by cultures, values, education, or class."

From The Wisdom of Stability by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove